The most difficult battlefield I have ever had to face is my own home. How could that be? I was hit with this reality a couple days ago when I was having an eye-opening conversation with my mom.
It has been so long since I have written to you my supporters, my friends and family. Ever since I have been home I have been wanting to get more involved with everyone. I have wanted to let you guys know how I was doing and where the Lord was leading me to. I have been longing to build better relationships with my supporters, but I had found that I didn't have the good news I wanted to share. Everything had fallen through that I thought the Lord was leading me to. I honestly didn't know what to tell you guys.
Honestly, things have been really difficult for me. Ever since I have gotten home I have felt as if I am in a crazy battle that I am losing. Because of the different obsticles I have felt a loss as to what to say to all of you. I have felt like a failure. My mother had said something to me on the car ride home that struck me hard. She asked me if I had asked for help, for prayer, from anyone during this time. I thought about it and the honest answer was no. I haven't been open with anyone as to the depths of what I am struggling with. I have been vocal about how I want to get back out there and how my heart is overseas, but I have been silent about my true battles.
Being home as been the biggest challenge for me. It now doesn't come as a suprise to me that this is so. I have been battling the temptation of living as "my oldself". I have been battling the lie that I have failed and that is why God sent me back home for this time. I haveh been battling the fleshly desire to be a "people pleaser" again. I am battling the lie that I am invisible and I have to do everything on my own. I am battling the lie that I have to be perfect. I am battling apathy and complacency. I am battling my pride because I look at myself more often than I look at the King.
I have to be open an honest with you guys. You are my family and friends, my number one supporters. I cannot just be open with you about my victories, I have to be open to you about my struggles and weaknesses. I have to have accountability for all that I do. I want you guys to know the real me. That includes my victories and struggles. If you are supporting me I owe it to all of you to know exactly where I am at. Where I need your help and prayers.
I praise God because He is beging to change my mindset about everything again. I know He has me home for a purpose. I believe it is to face my most difficult battlefield head on. He is reminding me that I don't have to face it head on by myself. I have the help of my supporters and Him. It is through my weakness His power can be displayed. That is why I feel it is so necissary that I share my weakness and vulnerability with you all. Everything in me wants to keep it hidden. But I know that is only my pride talking. That is why I have to choose to work in the oposite spirit and not keep things hidden. I want to live in the light, so I want to keep all things in the light and exposed so God can have His way with me. I know that I know the truth, but right now my emotions aren't exactly following what I know is true. That has been extremely difficult for me.
I do not want to live my life just looking back on the cool things God did in my life. I want to expect God to be moving and talking in my life daily! I was struck by something I read by Oswald Chambers,
"Beware if in personal testimony you have to hark back and say- 'Once, so many years ago, I was saved'. If you are walking in the light, there is no harking back, the past is transfused into the present wonder of communion with God. If you get out of the light you become a sentimental Chrisitian and live on memories, your testimony has a hard, metalic note. Beware of trying to patch up a present refusal to walk in the light by recalling past experiences when you did walk in the light. Whenever the Spirit checks, call a halt and get the thing right, or you will go on grieving Him without knowing it."
This is a time in my life where I have to make the choice. Do I just want to live the rest of my life based off of the memories I have had with Him, or do I want to live the rest of my life based off of the everyday I have with Him? I admit, this time has been a difficult time for me. That is why I feel the need to be honest with everyone. To be transparent about who I am and get help. I cannot be a superhero, and I certainly cannot be Jesus. I have to be open and honest and real about who I am with myself and others.
There was one other thing I read by Oswald Chambers that hit me right where I am at,
"Never quench the Spirit, and do not despise Him when He says to you- 'Don't be blind on this point any more; you are not where you thought you were. Up to the present I have not been able to reveal it to you, but I reveal it now'. When the Lord chastens you like that, let Him have His way. Let Him relate you rightly to God.
'Nor faint when thou art rebuked of Him.' We get into sulks with God and say- 'Oh, well, I can't help it; I did pray and things did not turn out right, and I am going to give it all up.' Think what would happen if we talked like this in any other domain of life!
Am I prepared to let God grip me by His power and do a work in me that is worthy of Himself? Sanctification is not my idea of what I want God to do for me; sanctification is God's idea of what He wants to do for me, and He has to get me into the attitude of mind and spirit where at any cost I will let Him sanctify me wholly."
My friends and family, I need your help in prayers. I need help battling the lies that I am facing. I need prayers that I will abide in Christ alone during this time. This time in my life is purposed to grow and refine me. I cannot take this correction from the Lord and sulk about it, I have to make the choice now on whether or not I will allow God to do His good work in me during this time. My temptation is to go back and live as my old self, to live off of the memories God has given me. However, this is where I must choose to let let Him transform me. I do not tell you all this to have a pity part for myself. I tell you all this so I have to be held accountable for it and make the change. It is not by my strength but by His strength alone that this can happen. So please partner in prayer with me for that.
"As you therefore have received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him, having been firmly rooted and now being built up in Him and established in your faith, just as you were instructed, and overflowing with gratitude." -Colossians 2:6-7
"If you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on the earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory." -Colossians 3:1-4
"Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him." -Colossians 3:9-10
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